Tag Archives: Kiddie Wisdom

Mgazi Uses Her Connections

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6

In the car:

Zaffron: Mommy, Mgazi is in the kissing family.

Mgazi: Be quiet! I am not!

Zaffron: She is too. It’s gross.

Mgazi: Ok. I’m in the kissing family. But only a little.

Me: I don’t get it. What’s the kissing family?

Mgazi: It’s a club where you have to kiss Vincent to get in.

Zaffron: Vincent created it.

Me: No kidding.

Mgazi: I didn’t have to kiss him though.

Me: Why not?

Mgazi: Because I’m friends with Sarah.

Zaffron: Oh, that makes sense.

Me: Really, Zaff? That makes sense to you? This whole conversation makes sense to you?

Zaffron: Of course. Why wouldn’t it?

Maya’s Mom is Going to get Sex

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14

In the car:

Mgazi: Maya’s mom is going to get sex.

Me: Um what?

Mgazi: Maya’s mom. She told me she’s going to get sex.

Me: Honey, I don’t think that can be what she said.

Mgazi: Mommy! Listen to what I’m saying! She’s going to get bert! It’s going to be a boy.

Me: Oh! She’s going to give birth. Maya’s mom had sex and now she’s going to give birth to a baby boy!

Mgazi: That’s what I’ve been saying! Her tummy is this big!

Me: I can’t see you, honey, I’m driving the car.

Mgazi: THIS BIG! LOOK! THIS BIG!

Me: Mgazi! I’m driving the car! I can’t look at you right now.

Zaffy: Mom, Mgazi is saying that Maya’s mommy’s tummy is like three inches bigger than usual.

Mgazi: Yeah, she got a lot of sex.

Outwitted by Kiddie Logic No More

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8

I routinely find myself on the losing end when a conversation includes my children. I’ll be trying to impart some teeny bit of parental wisdom and they’ll turn it on its head by applying their own warped child-logic. It’s maddening.   Like when Mgazi asked me, “If you know the answer, why are you asking the question?” Or there was that time where I couldn’t talk her out of holding a kids-only wedding. And of course, that dreaded conversation in the car about why (oh why) did I slam her fingers in the car door?

If my children decide that they don’t agree with me, I simply will not win the argument. Because they sneak in this kiddie-verision of logic that I simply can’t outsmart. It’s become a real problem, constantly being outwitted by my children.

I described my challenge to my friend, Keely Flynn Schoeny who writes Lollygag Blog. She understood immediately.

It’s “brationale” she said.

She’s brilliant, that Keely.  I had identified the problem, but she named it. Suddenly, I felt like it wasn’t so unbeatable after all. It only took a day or two before I got my chance to see.

I was picking the kids up from school. A classmate of Mgazi’s had celebrated her birthday and passed out goodie bags.

Mgazi: Mommy, Mommy! Look! I got a giant pencil!

She pulled it out of the bag and shoved it in my face. It was indeed giant.

Zaffy: That sure looks like a nice pencil.

Mgazi: Here, Zaffy. (She ruffled through the bag.) You can have the Strawberry Shortcake coloring book.

Zaffy: Strawberry Shortcake is for babies. (She shoved the coloring book back at her sister.) It’s not fair.

Me: What’s not fair?

Zaffy: Mgazi gets these presents and all she does is give me something that’s for babies. It’s not even what I want. It’s so not fair.

Oh my God!! It’s brationale! I can see it heading straight for me. I have to come out swinging.

Me: Zaffy, let me get this straight. Mgazi has been given a present. It’s hers. Not yours. And you think that you have a right to demand she turn over part of said present to you, her sister. Simply because you want it.

Zaffy: uhhh….

Me: Zaffron, is that what you are saying? Mgazi is supposed to give you her things just because you want them?

Zaffy: uhhh….

Me: Is that what you’re saying?

Zaffy: Well… no. Not anymore.

VICTORY!!!

 Zaffy: Mommy, what are you doing?

Me: Just a little dance, baby. Just a little dance.

 

 

Zaffron Levies a Bathroom Tax

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10

In the kitchen:

Zaffy: Mom, you owe me 25 cents.

Me: What for?

Zaffy: You used the kids’ bathroom.

Me: You’re charging me for using your bathroom?

Zaffy: Yes! You said this was the kids’ bathroom when we moved here and you are not a kid. Plus, you owe me another quarter.

Me: What? For What?

Zaffy: You didn’t flush.

Me: Zaffron, first, I didn’t use your bathroom. Second, if I had I certainly would have flushed.

Zaffy: Mom, it had to be you. It wasn’t me and Mgazi pinky-promises it wasn’t her. You’re  all that’s left. But don’t feel bad, sometimes I have to pay myself a quarter too.

Later that day, in the car:

Zaffy: So, when am I getting my 50 cents?

Me: Zaffy, how about you owe me a quarter for being annoying?

Zaffy: Mom, the rules are the rules, even if you don’t like them.

Me: Well, I’m not going to pay.

Zaffy: Then I’ll just have to charge you another quarter.

Me: Are you kidding me?

Zaffy: No. If you don’t pay me my 50 cents in five weeks, I’m going to charge you another quarter.

Mgazi: Zaffy, you mean five days.

Zaffy: No, I mean five weeks.

Mgazi: Mommy, Zaffy doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She means she wants the money in five days, not five weeks.

Zaffy: I know exactly what I’m talking about. Mommy, just pay me and everything will be fine.

Zaffy’s 13 Secrets About Boys

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15

We’re moving. Which means I’m packing. On Monday, I packed some of the girls’ art supplies. Stuffed between some loose sheets of constructions paper, I found this booklet:

The Secret’s About

Boys By: Zaffy

I now present to you my seven-year-old daughter’s 13 beliefs about boys. Spelling intact.

  1. If Boy’s like you they try to bather you.
  2. Boy’s don’t communicat there feeling’s very well.
  3. Most Boy’s don’t know how to react aroud girls.
  4. Boy’s don’t think before they act.
  5. Boy’s are very playful.
  6. Most Boy’s are always in your way.
  7. Most Boy’s like you but don’t show it.
  8. Some Boy’s aren’t very good at math.
  9. Most Boy’s are always trying to help.
  10. Seretent Boy’s are mean and bossy
  11. Boy’s start to like you when you talk about Star Wars and otter Boy movies.
  12. Boy’s love good food.
  13. Boy’s like to play outdoors.

Mom, You’re a B.M.

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In the car. This is what I heard:

Zaffron: Mom, you’re a B.M.

Before I reacted I took a deep breath. Seemed like this was a lot to take so early in the morning.

Me: I’m sorry, Zaff. Did you say that I’m a B.M.?

Zaffron: No, I said that you are THE B.M.

Me: Zaffy, what does that mean?

Zaffron: It stands for Best Mother.

Me: Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Zaffron: Of course, you’re also my O.M.

Me: Your Only Mother?

Zaffron: Yep.

Me: I’ll take it.

It’s Mummy Juice… Literally!

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It’s Mummy Juice!

Each year I struggle with finding a semi-healthy snack or treat to send with the kids to school at Halloween time. This year, I found an idea that included wrapping juice boxes in tape with googly eyes… Mummy Juice! Brilliant and clever, right?. Right. Just as long as I realize that I am not the one who is brilliant and clever.

Zaffron: Mom! This is such a cool idea.

Mgazi: It is, Mom.

Me: I know, right?

Zaffron: I know you didn’t come up with it on your own. Was it Daddy?

Me: Wait, why would you think I couldn’t come up with something like this on my own?

Zaffron: Don’t take this the wrong way, Mom. It’s just that this is such a creative idea.

Me: Hey! I’m creative all the —

Zaffron: It was Daddy, was it?

Me: No, it wasn’t Daddy.

Mgazi: It was probably Daddy.

Me: It wasn’t your father.

Zaffron: Hmmm. I wonder who is was… Can you pass me a googly eye?

In the end, I didn’t admit to anything — too insulted to think my children would consider my husband more creative than me. He doesn’t have a crafty bone in his body (unless duct tape is involved).

The little stinkers did call it though. Of course it wasn’t my idea. I don’t have time to be coming up with original crafts! I have a family to feed, cats to ignore, mystery goo to scrape off the floor!

I don’t have time for this crap! That’s what Pinterest is for!

 

 

Will Love Myself for Food

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So, I’ve been pretty good with doing my mirror affirmations lately. On Saturday morning, I decided to ask the girls if they wanted to join me. Simple request, right? Great way to bond with my girls, right? Excellent tool to provide them as a mother who cares about raising self-confident, fulfilled little kids, right?

Me: Hey girls. Mommy’s going to do some mirror affirmations. Want to do them with me?

Zaffron: What are they?

Me: They are an exercise that you do to fill your heart with love. You look into a mirror for three minutes and tell yourself that you love yourself.

Zaffron looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. I’m inexplicably compelled to keep talking.

Me: No, it’s good stuff. Really! You’ll feel great afterwards.

Mgazi looks at her sister and then back at me, a matching expression now on her face.

Mgazi:  I think Zaffron thinks that what you are saying is boring.

Me: It’s not boring! (I say this strongly). It’s good for you. (I say this kinda weakly, baffled at the unexpected turn the conversation has taken.)

Mgazi: I think Zaffron is right that it sounds boring. But I’ll do it with you. If you give me something.

Me: What? Okay, first of all, Zaffy hasn’t said ANYTHING is boring. She hasn’t said anything at all! Second of all, I am not giving you money to do mirror affirmations, Mgazi.

Mgazi: I don’t want money. I want cereal.

Zaffron: I am kinda hungry, Mommy.

Me: I am not going to bribe my children so that they’ll love themselves. Forget it.

I leave the room defeated by yet another one of my hair-brained parenting ideas. Mgazi calls out after me.

Mgazi: Are you saying “no” to the cereal?

Mgazi Wants Her Own “Partment”

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We are in the car. 

Mgazi: Mom, how old do I have to be to live in a room by myself?

Me: You don’t want to share a room with your sister?

Mgazi: No, I want my own partment.

Me: Well, I guess the soonest would be eighteen. You can live all by yourself in an apartment when you are eighteen.

Mgazi: I want to live by myself in a partment when I’m a hundred.

Zaffy: Lulu, you won’t have to live by yourself when you a hundred, you’ll probably be married by then.

“We’re THIS Funny” Or “Russell Gets No Respect”

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Everyone was in the bathroom. The whole family. Having a family meeting while Russell was trying to have his own time. This happens to him more times than he’ll ever admit. But I will. Right here. Right now.

I asked Russell. “If you look at the entire population, I mean, the whole POPULATION of whatever, the country, the world, what percentage would you think was funny?”

Russell was sitting (the only one sitting in the bathroom, I might add), and said, “funny as in HA HA?”

“Yes, how many of us are HA-HA funny?”

“10%,” he said. “Do you think the three of you could leave the bathroom?”

Zaffy.FunnyZaffron immediately piped in. “10% of our family is funny?”

“No, babe,” I said, “10% of the entire world population is funny. 100% of our family is funny.”

“Oh,” she said. “Mommy is this funny.” And she stretched her hands out to her sides, as wide as they could go. Like this:

|———————————————–|

See what I did here? Zaff’s hands are represented by the stick thingies and the space between her hands is represented by the dashes. I’m clever.

“and Daddy is this funny.” She did it again.

|———————————————–|

“And even Mgazi is really really funny. This much,” she said and streteched her hands from her body.

|———————————————–|

“And I’m this funny.”

|——-|

I laughed. “Of course you are funnier than that Zaffy. You make me laugh every day.”

She said, “You laughed at my joke. That makes me this funny.”

|——————————————————————————-|

Awww… my sweet funny little–

Russell, still sitting, interrupted my silent praise of my child. “Yeah, you’re all hilarious.”