Tag Archives: Christmas

Need Last Minute Gift Ideas? How About a Deadly but Curable Disease?

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Sweet Mgazi

Please select the answer that best completes the following phrase:

The conversation below took place in the:

a) Bathroom
B) Bedroom
C) Vatican
D) Car

The correct answer is D, of course. I actually have a tag that links to all conversations that have taken place in the car. All the best do!

Mgazi: Mommy, can you give me a TB shot for Christmas?

Me: What?

Zaffron: What?

Me: Gaz, do you want to me take you to the Dr’s office to get another vaccination? Honey, you cried like crazy, don’t you remember? You kicked. You screamed. You actually bit me!

Mgazi: I didn’t bite you.

Me: Okay, you didn’t bite me. But I could tell you wanted to.

Mgazi: I want to have the shot so I can give it to you and daddy and Zaffy.

Me: Do you mean you want to administer the Tuberculosis vaccine to the entire family?

Zaffron: No, mom! Geesh! Don’t you get it? She wants to jab the needle in our arms and push the thingy down so that we can stay healthy and not get diseases! [Zaffron throws her hands in the air, exasperated that once again she has to explain something to her dense, and obviously slow, mother.]

Mgazi: Uh huh. I want my family to be healthy. So I’m going to stick you here [she points to her shoulder] and here [she points to her leg] and here [she lifts up her left butt cheek and pokes at it. (Or maybe it was her right, I'm not sure. I was watching all of this through the rearview mirror.)]

Me: Sweetie, that is a very kind thought but it’s not going to happen.

Mgazi: Fine then. If you won’t do it, I’ll just ask Santa!

The Twelve Days of Christmas – Mommy Juice Style

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Kinko! For God's sake, please don't poop in there! Bad kitty!

Kinko! Bad kitty! Does that look like the litter box?

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave me to me…

  • a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

  • Two Little Loves –  Zaffy and Mgazi, of course, the best daughters a mom could ask for
  • and a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

  • Three “Take Ten”s – you know, when you’re feeling a little like you are going to lose it. Like you might snap. Like your head might pop and spray brain tissue across the room (Hey, if it reached the Christmas Tree I wouldn’t have to go digging around for those lost ornaments!) Like you are about to smack someone right then and there even though there are witnesses. Breathe. Take ten.
  • Two Little Loves
  • and a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the fourth day of Christmas, my stinkin’ cat whose about to get kicked out of the house gave to me…

  • Four Kitty Turds –  Every morning without fail, I wake up to find my otherwise adorable feline friend, Kinko, has shat somewhere in the house — on the kids’ bathmat, on the kids’ bedroom carpet, on my husband’s pants. (Hey, Russell, it’s not just me that gets annoyed when you leave your clothes on the floor!)
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • and a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the fifth day of Christmas, my pawn broker gave to me…

  • (72 bucks for) Five Golden Rings – yeah, money’s a little tight.
  • Four Kitty Turds
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • And a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

  • Six Hairs a Graying, Teeth Decaying, Kids Disobeying, Spittle Spraying, Thoughts Betraying – I’ve had a bad day six, just sayin’.
  • (72 bucks for) Five Golden Rings
  • Four Kitty Turds
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • And a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

  • Seven… seven… damn! What rhymes with “swimming”? Brimming? Skimming?
  • Six Hairs a Graying
  • (72 bucks for) Five Golden Rings
  • Four Kitty Turds
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • And a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

  • Eight Maids a Cleaning – I don’t own cows, what do I need Eight Maids a Milking for? Now, if a cow produced wine… well, then, this would deserve a rethink…
  • Seven Diets a Slimming <– lame
  • Six Hairs a Graying
  • (72 bucks for) Five Golden Rings
  • Four Kitty Turds
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • And a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the ninth day of Christmas, my therapist gave to me…

  • Nine Days Xanaxing – Can you imagine? Nine anxiety-free days. *Blissful Sigh* Thank God for therapists who are willing to treat people who don’t actually have anything wrong with them! Without all my perfectly normal worries and fears, maybe I’ll finally get some sleep!
  • Eight Maids a Cleaning
  • Seven Trees a Trimming <– blech
  • Six Hairs a Graying
  • (72 bucks for) Five Golden Rings
  • Four Kitty Turds
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • And a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the tenth day of Christmas, my children gave to me…

  • Ten Morns to Sleep In – Holy crap! The Xanax is working!
  • Nine Days Xanaxing
  • Eight Maids a Cleaning
  • Seven… seven…. seven… nothing
  • Six Hairs a Graying
  • (72 bucks for) Five Golden Rings
  • Four Kitty Turds
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • And a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love  gave to me…

  • Eleven Tears a Wiping – I’m not crying because I’m overwhelmed, scared, and feeling as though I’m not good enough. I’m crying because I’m pissed!
  • Ten Morns to Sleep In
  • Nine Days Xanaxing
  • Eight Maids a Cleaning
  • Seven Periods of Skipping – OMG! It’s Meno Clause!
  • Six Hairs a Graying
  • (72 bucks for) Five Golden Rings
  • Four Kitty Turds
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • And a Marriage that is Stress-Free

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my credit card gave to me…

  • Twelve Brookstone Products Humming – What? Did I say something?
  • Eleven Tears a Wiping
  • Ten Morns to Sleep In
  • Nine Days Xanaxing
  • Eight Maids a Cleaning
  • Seven – why are you even reading seven? There’s nothing to see here!
  • Six Hairs a Graying
  • (72 bucks for) Five Golden Rings
  • Four Kitty Turds
  • Three “Take Ten”s
  • Two Little Loves
  • And a Marriage that is Stress-Free!!!!!!!!!!!!

First image courtesy of m_bartosch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Last image courtesy of photoexplorer / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s a 2012 “Big Thing” – I get Published in a National Blog!

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Families in the LopOkay, okay, so the nature of the web means that all blogs are national… or worldwide, for that matter… let’s not get technical and suck the joy out of this very cool moment.

An excellent website out of Chicago, called Families in the Loop, asked me to write a little something. And I couldn’t be more honored. This is just as exciting as walking on fire or seeing the Dalai Lama pretend to poop!

FITL (I can call them that, we’re tight) encourages their parent bloggers to “let loose” so I took them at their word and wrote about Zaffy losing her tooth and the extreme heebie jeebies that resulted.

I hope you like it: ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS TO KNOCK OUT MY KID’S TWO FRONT TEETH!

Mgazi Kicks Judy Garland’s Butt

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Mgazi vs. Judy Garland

Who Wore it Best?

Took the girls to see the holiday display at Honolulu Hale the other night. They were playing Wizard of Oz on a big screen. Neither girl had seen the movie but both were very interested because Mgazi had dressed up as Dorothy for Halloween (after seeing a high school play of Wizard of Oz). So we let them watch the scene where Dorothy meets the munchkins.

Yesterday, in the car, Zaffron made an offhand remark, “You know Mgazi was a much better Dorothy than that lady in the movie.”

Don’t Forget Your Grandparents Are Dead!

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Work colleagues came over for a little christmas party last night. The last group of folks left, laughing and chatting as they walked down our 53 steps to the road below. Mgazi and Zaffron were calling their goodbyes out our window.

Zaffy yelled, “Byeeee!”

Mgazi shouted, “Don’t forget your grandparents are dead!”

Of course, the coworkers that experienced this particular piece of advice being yelled down at them from heaven above fell silent for a few moments. Then they erupted in laughter and my friend Lisa said, “I think I just wet my pants.”

Zaffy called down to her in reassurance. “Don’t worry! It happens to me all the time!”

Glass of white wineRecommended wine: I don’t have one. Anything will do really. I was so out of ideas (we were drinking SoCo and lime at this party) that I googled “best wine for a funeral.” Guess what? There is a funeral home called Drinkwine Family Mortuary. I kid you not. And guess what else? There’s a place called Goodwine Funeral Homes in Flat Rock. I don’t know where that is. But I do know where Buffalo, NY is. That’s where I grew up. And there was a funeral home near us that was called Amigone Funeral Home and Cremation. I can’t make this stuff up.

Be Not Afraid

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Zaffron was in the Christmas pageant at Church this year. She played an angel. (Mgazi was a brown animal. Sheep? Cow? We couldn’t tell.) Zaffy even had a speaking part — a single, very important line, pivitol to the Christmas story: “Be not afraid.”

She follows her own advice in the sweetest, funniest ways every day. But on Christmas Eve, singing Hallelujah in front of the entire congregation, she took it to a whole new level.

The video below is two minutes long. If you want to soak up the immense cuteness of my children, and see Russell playing a yamaka-wearing shepherd, watch the whole thing. Otherwise, skip to 1:20. That’s where Zaffron really embraces her zaffiness.

Be not afraid to be yourself, my dear, sweet girl. You are amazing!

Zaffy the Weather Girl

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Zaffron insists it’s going to snow on Christmas morning. Her three-year old mind doesn’t believe me when I tell her it doesn’t get cold enough to snow in Honolulu.

Zaffron: Mommy, it’s going to snow this Christmas.

Me: No, honey, it doesn’t get cold enough in Hawaii to snow.

Zaffron: But it will snow..

Me: No, it’s not cold enough…

Zaffron (wagging her finger at me):  Not yet it isn’t….

Christmas morning's snuggly PJ's are just for show. It's 75 degrees outside.

Christmas morning's snuggly PJ's are just for show. It's 75 degrees outside.

2007 Honolulu City of Lights Christmas Parade. (Note the tank top.)

2007 Honolulu City of Lights Christmas Parade. (Note the tank top.)

Took this photo on December 5, 2005. It was 81 degrees outside.

Took this photo on December 5, 2005. It was 81 degrees outside.